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~入okes才
What did 50 cent say to his grandmother when she gave him a knitted
sweated for his birthday?
G-unit (gee, u knit?)
What do bungee jumpers and hookers have in common?
If the rubber breaks there both screwedddd...
What do u do with 365 used rubbers?
melt em down, make a tire, and call it a goodyear
One night, a man walks into a bar and says to the barender," if I show you something
you've never seen before, will you give me a free drink?" So the bartender says, "alright, I guess so." So the man pulls out
a 10 inch man with a 10 inch piano, and the little man begins to play. The bartender, blown away says "Wow! I have never seen
one of those! Here's your free drink!" and gives the man a free drink. So the man that walked into the bar says, ok so now
if I give you anything you want, can I get another free drink? And sure enough the bartender agrees but says" Well how would
you do that?" and the man says he has a genie. So the bartender goes, ok, I wish for a million bucks. And this genie pops
up. The genie goes, ok a million bucks. Done! and all of a suden, it starts raining ducks! So that bartender goes: I never
asked 4 a million ducks, I said bucks! and the man says, ya, you think I asked for a 10 inch pianist!?!
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion
about
God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has
anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the
third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission
to
reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor
granted it, and the student stood up and asked
the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has
anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?"
Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's
brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must
be true that our professor has no brain!"
(...The student received an "A" in the class.)
One night a prostitute was working her usual streetcorner. It was being a dead night, and she hadn't
turned a single trick. She leaned against the lamp post and lit a cigarette, deciding that if a john didn't come by before
she was finished with it, she'd just call it a night and go home.
Suddenly she was startled by a tug on her vinyl miniskirt.
She looked all around, and didn't see anyone. She felt the tug again, and finally looking down she saw a koala bear standing
there in a little trenchcoat looking about nervously.
"Oh @#%$, you gotta be kidding me!" she said in disbelief.
The
little koala bear shook his head solemnly and tugged on her skirt again..
She considered refusing, but since the night
had been totally dead, she said, "What the @#%$.. I guess we can give it a try honey." and led him to the nearby motel she
worked from.
They went into the room she usually did business in and she quickly stipped and lay back on the bed, her
legs spread wide.. "Show me what you got, baby.."
The koala bear shrugged off his trenchcoat and climbed up onto the
bed.
He was very enthusiastic (and quite talented for a small bear) and inside a few minutes of his
efforts, she was surprised to find herself feeling great.
As she lay there afterwards, breathing in gasps, the koala
bear climbed down off the bed. He put on his little trenchcoat and started heading for the door..
"Umm honey?" she
said in a pleasant tone.. "Aren't you forgetting something?"
The koala looked abashed and scampered back.. Gave her
a peck on the cheek and turned to go again.
"Uh, no.. That was really nice and all, but I'm a prostitute. Do you know
what that means hon?"
The little bear looked puzzled and shook his head.
Reaching for a dictionary that was
on the bedside table next to the Gideon's Bible, she quickly leafed through it and found the definition of prostitute..
"Prostitute:
(noun) A person who trades sexual favours for money.", she read aloud..
The koala bear shook his little head and took
the dictionary from her hands. He leafed through it for a moment and then showed her the definition for Koala bear..
"Koala
bear: (noun) A small furry mammal that eats bushes and leaves."
Never under-estimate a woman (especially behind a
steering wheel!)...
Woman:
Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see
your licence please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman:
Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman:
I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and
I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the boot if
you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and callsfor
back up. Within minutes
5 police cars circle
the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.
Officer
2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps
out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem
sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered
the owner.
Woman:
Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your car, please.
The woman opens the
boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration
papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
The
woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer. The officer snaps opens
the clutch
purse and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a
licence, that you stole this car,and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I bet the
lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too.
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my
daughter, I'll make
you a partner, give you an expense
account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's
wrong with her?" The boss shows him a
picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's
not only
ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't
worth it."
The
boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary
and build you a
mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts,
figuring he can put a bag over her head
when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an
original Van Gogh and
he's about to hang it on the wall. He
climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring
me a hammer."
She mumbles,
"Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she
fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails." She mumbles, "Get
the
nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits
his
thumb, and he yells, "F***!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to
check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for
the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without
missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your
ticket, not your stub.
Snow Wgite has
been thrown out of disneylandfollowing allegations that she sat
on pinochios face and screamed. "LIE YOU BASTARD LIE!"
Middle age women
walks into living room naked. Husband says "why are you
naked" she replies "this is my love dress!" husband replies "well
go and
fuckin iron it"
What
is it when a man talks nasty to a women? Sexual harassment.
What
is it when a women talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute!!
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the
bench and sat down. He has spiked hair that was all different colors-- green,
red, orange,
blue and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said.
"What's the matter, old timer? Never done anything wild
in your life?" The
old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just
wondering if you were my
son".
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs
and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do.
These
walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in
code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left
the washing machine door
open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left
the
washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell
asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged
her husband and said,
"I think I did leave the washing machine door open after
all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks,"
said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by
hand."
Try
this, its actually quite good. But don't cheat!
Quickly read through the following text and count the number of F's
in it.
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Managed
it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!
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OK?
How many?
Three?
Wrong, there are
six - no joke! Read again!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE
OF YEARS
The reasoning is that the brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who
counts all six F's on the first go is a genius. Three is normal.
3 men standing in front of God God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives
on Earth.
Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful
women on Earth, and I had to have them all.
God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck
that barely moves.
Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through
problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me!
God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to
you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW.
Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my
wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every aniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner
out 3 times a week, and...
God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you
any car you desire!
Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped
in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar.
Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your
eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?!
Man 3: "I just
saw my wife on rollerskates!"
Who
is Jack Schitt?
The Lineage Revealed.
***********************************************
Many people are at
a loss for a response when
someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt".
Now, You can handle the situation.
Jack
is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.
Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep
Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the
deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie
Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high
school dropout.
After
being married for 15 years Jack and Noe
divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and
because her kids were living with
them, she wanted
to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda
Schitt and they produced a
cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and
Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout
childhood
and consequently, married the Happens brothers in
dual ceremony.
The Schitt-Happens children are
Dawg, Byrd and
Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to
tour the world. He recently returned with his new
bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack
Schitt, you can correct them.
GoOd CoMeBaCkS
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman:
"Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's
why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man:
"So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place
or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman:
"It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man:
"So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman:
"Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on,
we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please
a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept
cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably
die laughing".
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd
go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of
the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now,
Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would
like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what
she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have
been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world
revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him
everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred
from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into
the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in
the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One
day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was
just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated,
we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after
I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A
cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My
case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that
dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What
seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't
live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so
get yourself a dog."
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about
to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence,
he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grining
at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love
you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ...
"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled,
and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she
can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
One day a son asked his father what was the difference between "theory"
and "reality". His father thought and then said "Go ask your Mother if she would sleep with the next door neighbor for a half
million dollars." The son went to his mother and asked her. She thought about it a minute and then said, "Yes, yes I would."
The son returned to his father and told him her reply. The father then told the son to go ask his sister if she would sleep
with the next door neighbor's son for a half million dollars. The son went to his sister and asked her. She thought about
it for a minute and then replied, "Yes, yes I would." The son returned to his father and told him his sister also said she
would. The father said, "Well son, there you have it. In theory, we're living with a million bucks. In reality, we're living
with a couple of whores."
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they
had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving
along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading
here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
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So,
if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a
car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you
buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you
come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
She was so blonde that...
...she
tripped over a cordless phone.
...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to
make up her mind.
...she
tried to drown a fish.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...when she heard that
90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...it takes her two hours to watch 60
Minuets.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2.
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the
tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right!
What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare
at the fucking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did
ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short".
What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you
are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?
Tongue Twisters
A good cook could cook as much
cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies
I saw a saw that could out saw any other saw I ever saw.
Black
bug bit a big black bear. But where is the big black bear that the big black bug bit?
betty bought a bit of butter
but the butter that betty bought was bitter so betty bought a better butter to make her bitter butter better!
A big
bug bit the little beetle but the little beetle bit the big bug back.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you
don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
How do I understand that
you understand? Understand!
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
I wish to wish the wish you wish
to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
If two witches were watching
two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought wasn't the thought
I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.
Once
a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow
What a fellow means?"
Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to Mr Outside inside.
Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come
outside. Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside
coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
I slit a sheet,
a sheet I slit. And on a slitted sheet I sit. I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit. The sheet I slit, that sheet was it.
A
skunk sat on a stump. The stump thought the skunk stunk. the skunk thought the stump stunk . What stunk the skunk or the stump?
A tutor who tooted the flute, tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, 'Is it harder to toot
or to tutor two tooters to toot?
If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor
the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
If
you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Ed Nott was shot and Sam Shott was
not. So it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some say Nott was not shot. But Shott says he shot Nott.Either the shot Shott
shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.But if the shot Shott shot shot
Shott, the shot was Shott, not Nott. However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott - but Nott.So, Ed Nott was shot and that's
hot! Is it not?
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, FuzzyWuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... was he???
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